Why me?

Have you ever said "why me"? When something doesn't go your way?  Your day doesn't turn out like you think it should?  If you believe in God, maybe you've even demanded from him - "WHY ME?!".

I have done it and I'm sure you have too.

But ever since I saw this sweet momma post about her baby boy yesterday in need of extra prayers - the concept of "why me" has been weighing on my heart.  And she has.  And this sweet boy.  The whole situation.  Now I don't know Annie personally, but she was at K-State the same time that I was and we have lots of mutual friends.  I have been following her journey for awhile now with her sweet son Jonah.  Stories like this in general tug at my heart, but the fact that Jonah is a five year old boy...and I have an almost five-year-old boy...and Annie is my age and went to college with me, when I see her posts about him, I read them all.  I read them hard.  Every word she posts, I read with thought and compassion.  It sounds kind of weird and maybe even more weird that I'm posting this because I don't know them personally - but their family is one that I cannot get out of my mind lately with the recent turn of events.  She had been able to finally post better news lately.  That his treatment was seeming to work and was getting better.  I was so thankful.  For her, for him, for his whole family.  I prayed to God and thanked him many times because as a fellow mom, my heart aches for her. 

And then I saw this post yesterday.

The full message from Jonah's mom, Annie:

You are not going to believe our night. Well, you will because it's us and I'm only telling you because Jonah is better now. Jonah got a biopsy of his neck yesterday and he did not recover well. I'm not sure what happened but the disturbance of the cancer cells somehow ignited an infection(?)/ I don't get it/ some how caused his blood pressure to go too low, and create a significant need for oxygen, and make him breathe harder and run a fever and need a blood transfusion. The team of docs and nurses that rushed to our room did as much for him as they could on the oncology floor before the PICU docs came up and decided he was better off THERE. Once there, literally once we got in the PICU room, Jonah woke up and started talking and being Jonah to the relief of everyone. Blood pressure normal, holding oxygen. He continued to stay up all night watching the Disney Channel.

In addition, the second scan he had yesterday showed more cancer than we knew about. Jonah lit up in several small places all over is body(even his legs) and his bone marrow too.

So, last night we were prepared to accept that this was Jonah's time. Aaron called for the priest and told the family they better get down here to FW. But God didn't take Jonah and he could have easily; the cancer has spread and is in his bone marrow and he's facing more treatment ahead. All God had to do was stop Jonah's overworking heart. But, he didn't.

I've been very angry at God for not saving us from this relentless nightmare. But I wonder today if I've been wrong about him, that he is helping. Did God urge me to look at Jonah's neck? If not, we wouldn't have known for weeks the cancer had spread and wouldn't be starting treatment so soon. And, did God save Jonah last night? He had to of, right?

The priest came today to pray with us, pray for the next treatment, and give Jonah his last rites (just incase.) I told him what I told you and he said, "God's got a plan for him. God's time isn't like our time."

Will you please add Jonah to your church prayer lists? And petition Saint Peregrine, the patron saint of cancer patients?

I don't know if we have 7 days or 70 years. But I accept either outcome.

I tear up every time I read this.  What amazing strength she has.  I have read it each time someone I now shared it on facebook.  Over and over again wondering if I was in that situation - could I do it?  But don't we all wonder that?  When we see stories on the news or social media about family's that are suffering - I often think "WHY THEM"?  One of my dear friends has a brother in law in his mid-20s that just got diagnosed with testicular cancer and is currently going through chemo - WHY THEM?  Someone's family member died too early - either from a tragic accident or a horrific disease.  WHY THEM?  A close friend lost her baby to a super rare disease- WHY THEM?

I even go the crazy mom route (I'm guessing this is normal - but just not talked about..if it's not, then just ignore I said this ;)) - but I lay in bed at night with my kids holding them or rocking them...over and over thanking God that they are healthy.  That they are at home.  And I even wonder WHY ME?  Why did I get so lucky to have these kids?  So many others either struggle to have kids or the kids that they have get stupid cancer.  So WHY ME?

It just struck me - while Annie might be wondering WHY ME all the time, she finds strength in Him through this journey she is on.  When you read her words, I can just feel when she typed them that she is confident that God had a plan for her sweet boy.  And that plan did not include leaving this place yesterday.  She doesn't know when, but He does.  And all she can do is trust and pray and hope and love.

I posted this so you will pray for Jonah.  That you will pray for Annie.  Pray for their family (she is pregnant also - so lots of prayers for that as well!).  I truly believe that every single prayer is heard, no matter if it's 10 seconds or 10 minutes.  Pray for Jonah's healing.  Pray for his comfort.  Pray for his strength.  They can use them all.

I also posted this because while I don't know this brave mama personally, I can't stop thinking how in following her journey how much I have learned from her.  A person I follow on the internet - this world is a crazy place.  What I learned from her is something I need to remember as a mom, friend, daughter, sister, wife, etc. - all I can do is trust and pray and hope and love.  Every day.  Not to wonder about the negative things and be thankful for the positive ones.  And that's exactly what I'm going to continue to do.  And even though I will allow myself a "WHY ME" every once and a while, I will push through that and focus on what I can control and leave God in control of what He controls.

Follow along Jonah's journey with the hashtag #makejonahglow