A little about real life mothering for you on a Monday.
Thursday night I was tired. My mind was already into Friday when Jimmy was gone and I was taking care of my little humans alone while carrying my third sweet baby in my growing stomach. He was here and I help given baths and already put Maddie to sleep. I had just sat down to watch Nashville from the night before and just wanted a break. We went out to dinner and the three of us met Jimmy there after work- Maddie cried the whole way there, refused to let me put on her socks and shoes, then when I got her out of her car seat- she had peed her pants and then fought me when i attempted to put on new undies and shorts (which luckily I had!). I was frustrated. And when I sat down to tell Jimmy about my frustration he looked at me and said "Hate to tell you this babe, but it's going to get harder before it gets easier". To my face! Ha! How dare he speak those blunt truths. But he was so right at that moment I wanted to start bawling but contained myself as we were in a restaurant. So yeah, I thought I deserved some me time watching a show I wanted to watch for 40 min.
Jimmy put Charlie down and went downstairs. Then almost immediately I hear Charlie's door open and he comes into my room and walks up to the couch I'm on and knocks over my cup of water. I'm immediately frustrated and ask him "why?!?" while I get the towels to clean it up. He is upset because I'm upset and starts crying. I don't console him but just clean up the mess and tell him to go get his dad. Then I yell and tell Jimmy he needs to finish putting Charlie to bed because I "have to" by myself the next week. Charlie (still crying) finally calms down and Jimmy gets him to sleep.
I sit down to watch my show that was oh so important and get on social media. And then I see this.
And then immediately feel like the worst mom in the world. Seriously. Anyone else have those moments? I mean it's right- how for a split second could I not just stop and go lay down with him. Those are my favorite moments. And if I ever made him feel like he wasn't worth my time, I would just want to die I would feel so horrible. All I could think was "I'm so glad he cannot write yet!!!" mainly because he would have probably written a note telling me "Mom, I'm never ever going to to play with you again" (as he often threatens when he gets mad at me).
Then on Friday morning we wake up to find out that one of our friend's from church had to have their little man who is younger than Maddie rushed to the ER due to seizures and not responding - OMG. And I had the audacity to desire 40 minutes alone last night? I couldn't take it. But then the other part of me is saying - but HELLO - you need a break too, mama. Right? Can I get an amen? We all need a break every once and a while...I guess it's just finding the balance between it all? And not attempting to beat ourselves up through negative self-talk along the way about the moments and time we do take to recharge as moms (and parents in general).
But HOW!?? Almost 4 years into this thing called parenting...I have no idea how to find that balance and I won't pretend like I do. So what I'm going to tell you is that if you ever feel like you're the worst mom ever - you are not alone. I feel like I've lost my temper one too many times in the last few weeks and I'm not sure why, but then I read articles like this on the Internet and I know they are meant to be encouraging me to really spend quality time with my kids and treasure these moments - and dammit, I do try to do that all the time. But for some reason so many times they make me just feel bad that I'm doing something or thinking something wrong as a mom. My guess is though, so many of us feel the same way that I do.
And if it makes you feel any better (and to mom-shame myself one more time...), after leaving the store with my two in tow on Saturday and we got to the car and I realized Maddie had kicked off just one of her awesome pink Nike tennis shoes and of course I didn't notice when it happened or had any idea where to even look in the huge store - I got in my mini van and started crying (WHY!?! It's a shoe - I'm chalking it up to pregnancy hormones) and Maddie kept yelling "MOMMY, MOM, MOM!" at me like non-stop. I snapped and legit told my not even 2 year old to shut up. I'm horrible I know. I immediately felt terrible. And then felt even worse when Charlie goes "Mom, if you tell Maddie to shut up one more time you're going to have to go to time out because that's not very nice. You're a bad mom". OH.MY.GOODNESS. Seriously child? Cue the "I really am a bad mom pity party tears". Sheesh.
But then you know what? I told myself that SERIOUSLY, there was nothing wrong with me, I'm just a mom of two littles that is trying my hardest. And the fact that I'm trying my best to love them just as much as I can - that's enough. I'm enough for them. Even despite if I literally lose it every once and awhile. Because both of them kissed me a million times later that day, gave me hugs, told me they loved me and Charlie fell asleep with his arm wrapped around my neck.
You are not alone anytime you feel like you're the worst.
You're not the worst.
You are the best mom.
Just take a deep breath.
And then think of something sweet or super funny that your kids do.
And then you're remind yourself immediately why this crazy journey called parenting we are on is worth every second, every heartache and worry, the lack of sleep, the lack of felling like you know ANYTHING about ANYTHING (because you quickly find out you don't - but then you roll with it), every laugh, every tear, every tantrum, every meal you make that is not actually eaten, every potty mess you clean up, and every single damn toy you clean up every single night.
Yes, it's worth it.
So hang in there mama. I'm with you on all those feelings, so remember that when you feel like you're the only one. Which that alone feeling can sneak up on us all too often sure.
And just for fun:
And for real....