You know how they say that God only gives you what you can handle? That is something I have been constantly repeating in my head the last week. over.and.over.and.over again. Telling myself "you can make it through this", "there is eventually an end in sight", "just keep smiling", "don't yell at Jimmy more than 20 times a day..."
We're pretty much at our breaking point in this Carter house. Right after the holidays, my intercession MBA class ramped up to class either 2 or 3 times a week and then tons and tons of online lectures to watch because there is only so many nights for class. And after that is was like a perfect storm. I got sick. Charlie stopped sleeping. We started rice cereal at night. He slept well for 2 nights - and so did we. Then it was ALL downhill from there. Sleep is pretty much non-existent, school ramped up with projects, cases, tests...then I got the stomach flu and was puking, then Jimmy got it and was puking, then Charlie got a cold. And then this morning happened. I mean it's only 6:30, so I guess it's still "this morning".
We had a long night of starting the Ferber CIO method with Charlie and listening to him cry for about 2 hours between midnight and 2 and Jimmy getting up and going in to reassure him everything is ok at different intervals (aka neither of us slept a wink...). We had to start trying something because nothing is working. This child doesn't like sleep!?!?! He has to!! After another hour and a half of crying, I finally got up with him at 5:30 to feed him and change his diaper because the crying wouldn't subside. Of course, the three dogs were wanting to get up before that...so I had got them up, fed them and let them out. Charlie and I are sitting in his room in the dark and I'm feeding him, trying to enjoy the moment. I hear Willy sniffing around. Yep, he found a diaper that I put on the side of the changing table because what do you know, of course the diaper pail is full? I can hear him get it and run out. Oh-no-he-doesn't. Charlie and I get up (yep, he's still latched on) and run after him. All the way to the basement and into his kennel. I fight with him to grab on to the diaper (Charlie in my arms, has stopped eating) and yell for Jimmy. Jimmy comes down with the spray bottle in hand and Willy surrenders the diaper.
We all go back upstairs, I sit back down with the Charlie. He pukes all over my hair. My hair that I washed and dried last night because getting up in the morning to shower will never ever happen. I yell a curse word and Jimmy comes to get him and get him dressed. I put water in my puke hair and just dry and straighten it. Decide to just get ready for the day. Take Charlie downstairs and see a diaper on the floor in the living room. I'm so angry with Willy right now. (We wonder the same thing..where do these diapers come from?!) Then Charlie pukes all over the floor. He goes in his high chair while I get a towel. Then he sneezes and snot goes everywhere. Poor kid. Was going to use the other side of the towel on his floor for his face but it has Crystal Light all over it from a packet that Toby knocked off the counter and ripped apart. Yeah, I need to vacuum that up.
Charlie goes in his johnny jump up...Jimmy and I silently make our lunches, eat breakfast and sit down at the table. It's 6:15 and his alarm for the day goes off. He jokes that he better get out of bed.
I have a case due in school tonight, final tomorrow night, on top of both our work schedules are busy right now. Sleep training night one was not-so-good but we are hopeful it will get better. It will get better. We know it will (aka someone please tell me it will get better).
So we'll go to work. Exhausted. Puke-haired. I'll study over my lunch hour. Our dogs will go in the kennel and hopefully not wreak havoc. Charlie will go to school and be the perfect angel he is there (duh?! during the day this kid is like an angel). And then I'll go to class until 8:40...poor Jimmy will come home to man the house by himself and start the process all over again.
What's gonna give? Because no one told me it was going to be THIS hard and we were going to be THIS exhausted. I love being a mom so much - his smile and smell and hugs melt my heart, but it sure is a challenge.
You know how they say that God only gives you what you can handle? I know it's true but I feel like this is one of those weeks where I'll have to look back on it to appreciate. So ask me again if I believe that next week because I'm sure I will. I'm sure I'll be looking at this blog post and laughing at how whiny I sound. Because I'm thinking that next week...Charlie will be sleeping again, class will be over for at least a week (that's a fact!), and Jimmy and I will get the chance to sleep like crazy.
One can only dream that will come true. Oh...and one can also dream about getting a hotel room...right? ;)
P.S. you know it's bad when I could care less that Jimmy dressed Charlie in non matching gray shades this morning and I didn't have enough energy to change his pants.....
But as part of my attempt to gain perspective, I'm thankful I have a great husband and partner, we both have great jobs, we have a warm roof over our grads and beautiful and healthy little boy to call our own. Yes, in the midst off all this crazy- there is still greatness and so much to be thankful for....so I'll keep up with what Gods plan is.
It does get better. Promise! Although just wait till you have 2 :) Someday you'll look back on this time and laugh. I know everyone says that but it really is true!
ReplyDeleteI know it will - just so hard when you are in the "trenches". I feel like I'm bipolar because in the day time I'm just so smitten with him and in the nighttime I feel crazy!!! :)
DeleteIt is awful being exhausted, feeling totally out of control of all aspects of life! I think I do at least once a week. Yikes!
ReplyDeleteWant to meet in Emporia, get separate hotel rooms and meet for breakfast 12 hours later? :)
Done - hotel room alone and breakfast together? I'll buy the mimosa's because we'll pump & dump too - WILD!
DeleteOhmygoodness, I feel for ya! I've been there with the flu, and the grad classes, and cold after cold after bronchitis after ear infection for the babe. I have no doubt that things will improve soon, and like your most recent post said, having a child is SO worth every little difficulty and stressful situation. Keep your chin up!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment Sarah - it is very hard but very worth it :) These little men are just too precious!
DeleteOh Brittany. I am so sorry you are feeling like this! Having a child is most definitely the hardest thing I have ever done, and I can relate all too well with your post. Things will be going great, you're in a routine, and then something happens to throw it all out the window. I've realized it's a constant roller coaster, and that's just the new normal. It does get better, or maybe we just learn to deal with it in a different way and forget about the small stuff. Life with kids...it's messy, chaotic, it's exposing and extremely hard. I've said some hateful things to Brian in the heat of the moment and we've argued more than we ever have, but at the end of the day, we have a sweet little boy to show for it. We've both realized we need to just let go of some things. It's ok if everything isn't perfect. We are all learning together...and how to deal with this parenting stuff:). Keep your head up mama because your little man is way too cute! Before you know it, he'll be saying "mama" and running over to you to give you a hug. That's what makes it all worth it. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the comment Krista and you are so right and I know it. And that's exactly how I feel because the minute we get good at something (i.e. swaddling), then I feel like it's time to change it up and move on to learn something else. Can drive me mad..but I keep telling myself that it's good and we are all learning together. But you are right, I do need to be better about not sweating the small stuff. Jimmy and I were just talking about this today and how it doesn't matter AT ALL if the dishes are clean. We can get them done when we're not exhausted versus me having to do them before I go to bed.
DeleteI will say I'm so jealous when you say Carson sleeps so well, but then I was searching your blog for something to indicate that he didn't always do that and I found it I think in his 9 month post (? please excuse my creepiness, I just knew you had just gone through this all and probably blogged honestly about it...and yep, there it was!!) when you said he was having troubles. And for some reason, seeing that he had some times when he didn't sleep that 12 hours made me feel a little more normal. So thank you for your blog, your honestly and your support!!! I needed it for sure today but lots of other days too :)
This sounds like me about a month and a half ago. I literally felt like I was simply surviving. Not even enjoying life, just putting every ounce of energy I had into waking up and surviving. The sleep thing madero absolutely crazy...Andy body couldn't handle it. I was sick for a month! And then to work, breastfeed, take care of a baby, pump, wash bottles, make lunches, do laundry etc etc...it just felt unbearable. Now things are wonderful (this week). But I'm just waiting for the next dip in our roller coaster of parenting.
ReplyDeleteWe all go through it!